Nailed

As some of you already know, my birthday usually falls on or around the Felasco weekend. Well, I assume you are all trying real hard to come up with that perfect present for me. For this year, I decided to make it easy on you. No subtle hints or suggestions. I’m gonna get straight up down on the level with you. I need some fingernail clippers (the big kind for toes). I probably own 10 pairs (or sets, whatever they are called) but can’t find any of them. I have been letting my nails grow because I can’t find clippers. And, I apparently can’t go to the store and buy some more for some reason. I have tried scissors in the past, but didn’t like the cut. My new thing (see pic) is to use dykes, aka wire cutters. They work allright, but still leave the nails a little rough. I figure that I need about 30 pairs of clippers, so I will always have a pair on standby somewhere. So, I am asking you – all of my friends, to chip in and help me get 30 pair. If I did the math correctly, that should only be 15 pair each. Thanks.

Cruisin’

Just a note to tell you about how fast a cruise ship can take away any expert potential building blocks. I haven’t ridden a bike in almost two weeks and have barely exercised at all during that time. I weighed in before and after the cruise – whoa!. First let me say that the first thing I did when we got on the ship was to eat. Since you can’t go to your rooms yet, the casino is closed and there are no shows; the only thing to do is eat. So, I ate. For forty five minutes straight. I started with dessert, then had three plates of food, then dessert. THEN, saw the hamburgers and fries area. So, I had a hamburger, hot dog, french fries and onion rings. Then I topped it all off with ice cream. I was bloated the whole time and all of our cruise pics make me look pregnant. So, back to the point. I put on eight pounds on the cruise. That means I ate an excess of approximately 4000 calories a day; which sounds about right.

Other than that, it was a great time. Perfect weather, perfect ship and perfect itenerary.

See y’all suckers soon.

Felasco Assessment Ride

With the Felasco ride on the horizon, I decided to see how much more riding I needed to do to be in good enough shape to enjoy the event.  After getting off work at 2 AM, 5 hours of sleep, and only consuming a 45 gram protein shake before the ride, I decided it was going to be a 4-5 hour road ride to see what was in the tank.  I ended up doing 4 hours and 58 minutes, burning 4233 calories, and riding 72.9 miles.

Here is what I learned:
– 5 hours on a road bike is a long f***king time to be sitting on a bicycle seat.
-Chamois cream does not last that long.
-A Banana Bread Larabar is the “best thing in the entire world” at the 2 hour mark and I am an idiot for only bringing one.
-No matter how tired you are, catching a stop light next to an attractive female with her seat belt on never gets old.(separation!)
-I have renamed my road bike the “Devil’s Chariot”, I hate it.
-At the 4 hour mark, a $2.00 vending machine 20 oz. Coke knocks the Banana Bread out of the “best thing in the entire world” contest.
-A 20 oz. Coke seems like it is  8 oz.
-No matter how many times you try to lower the volume or change a song on your ipod shuffle by hitting the buttons on your heart rate monitor, it will never work.
-One of the most disappointing things is that the germ infested water fountain at the public park does not work, so you have to tap dance your way into the men’s  bathroom and fill your water bottles from the sink, also known as the “bum shower”.
-No matter how many times you take your empty water bottles out of the cage and look at them, they never fill themselves up.  There are no magical water fairies, sprites, or trolls that come from another land and fill them for you while you are riding.  You can wish all you want, again, not going to happen.
-I wished I had a fillet knife and a cast iron pan on the ride to slice my belly fat so I could cook Ron Bacon on the side of road, I was really hungry.
-Quad cramps really hurt.
-If the wind was against me on the home stretch, suicide would have been an alternative.
If I learned anything on this ride, it was that I am going to put a Coke in my Camelbak for Felasco.

Bikechain: The New Revolution without Prince

I had a great ride yesterday, not long, just everything was flowing.  I had no mechanicals and was not suffering from steering retardation.  I usually ride solo because I work when everyone is off, but I am good with that.  My pre-ride ritual is to call some of the old Revolutions crew and try to irritate them just like it was a Sunday morning ride out of the old shops.  Down here you have to ride in circles to put in miles on the dirt, your mind can wander.  Every time I ride I think about the “good old days”.  I remember the first time I met the Revolutions crew.  I walked in wanting to get wheels built and there was this pale half-balding guy sitting in a folding camp chair sitting in front of a glass showcase with more purple and green anodized parts that one should have.  He was not known as the Red Dragon back then, just Kent(not sure what version of Kent he was on back then).  He invited me on the Sunday group ride, the one where the Red Dragon slid down he biggest hill on Mahan Drive on his Camelbak like a turtle on the road because some d-bag with yellow tires bunny hopped into him.  I kept showing up at the shop and rides for the abuse.  I am probably sure that is how all of the Bikechain/Revolutions crew members became part of the gang.

I had this whole post in my head yesterday when I was riding, 200 milligrams of caffeine while trying to type this does not help with keeping me on track with what I wanted to say, it was a lot better that this.  Basically, after knowing these guys for fourteen years, I am amazed at the Red Dragon’s and Bikediet’s commitment to the bike shop dream, I am not brave enough to try it myself.  Their commitment to world bicycle part distribution domination is impressive.  We have to support their efforts in anyway we can, because they have to succeed, otherwise where are we going to hang out and avoid real life for a while.
Bikechain.com link tattoos on the other arm and leg?  Come on Bikediet, I am in.

nite ridin’ ediket

For those of you who do not know, let me point out a few tips for proper night riding etiquette.

1. bring you own lights

2. put a full charge on your lights

3. never leave a lightless friend behind

If you find yourself on a ride without a light, don’t panic. There are ways to make it work. Make sure you have been assigned a riding buddy, and stick to that wheel like Chris on M&M’s. Look at what they are looking at, don’t look at the void between your wheel and the lighted wheel.

Now, if you have two non lighted bikes, per one lighted bike, the rules are different. You have to split up and run the lighted bike in the middle. If you try to stack two deep behind a lighted bike, the loser in last place will surely fall off the back as soon as you hit a rough section.

To the guy who is smart enough to bring his fully charged light to the ride, but not smart enough to find friends with operational lighting equipment, here are a couple of tips.

1. Slow your pace down a touch

2. Call out rough sections

3. If you have a lightless dummy in front of you, be sure to shine your light on his trail (if you have a helmet mount).

There, hopefully that helps you out some, and hopefully it will help me out on the next ride (in which I will surely forget to charge my lights or forget them alltogether)

Flip your rain

Well, bikechain went to Felasco this past weekend for round #7 of the Florida State Championship Series. David won again. Darien and I were unable to race our wave. Unforseen events had us leaving the park early. The weather got rough, there was sideways rain, tornados, damaged merchaindise, mud and grass everywhere, it was great. Oh well, I guess all of our competitors can thank us later for saving them from the beating we were going to bring. The good news is that 180 drinks are good, and the tent is awesome. We are lucky to have them as a sponsor.