Felasco Assessment Ride

With the Felasco ride on the horizon, I decided to see how much more riding I needed to do to be in good enough shape to enjoy the event.  After getting off work at 2 AM, 5 hours of sleep, and only consuming a 45 gram protein shake before the ride, I decided it was going to be a 4-5 hour road ride to see what was in the tank.  I ended up doing 4 hours and 58 minutes, burning 4233 calories, and riding 72.9 miles.

Here is what I learned:
– 5 hours on a road bike is a long f***king time to be sitting on a bicycle seat.
-Chamois cream does not last that long.
-A Banana Bread Larabar is the “best thing in the entire world” at the 2 hour mark and I am an idiot for only bringing one.
-No matter how tired you are, catching a stop light next to an attractive female with her seat belt on never gets old.(separation!)
-I have renamed my road bike the “Devil’s Chariot”, I hate it.
-At the 4 hour mark, a $2.00 vending machine 20 oz. Coke knocks the Banana Bread out of the “best thing in the entire world” contest.
-A 20 oz. Coke seems like it is  8 oz.
-No matter how many times you try to lower the volume or change a song on your ipod shuffle by hitting the buttons on your heart rate monitor, it will never work.
-One of the most disappointing things is that the germ infested water fountain at the public park does not work, so you have to tap dance your way into the men’s  bathroom and fill your water bottles from the sink, also known as the “bum shower”.
-No matter how many times you take your empty water bottles out of the cage and look at them, they never fill themselves up.  There are no magical water fairies, sprites, or trolls that come from another land and fill them for you while you are riding.  You can wish all you want, again, not going to happen.
-I wished I had a fillet knife and a cast iron pan on the ride to slice my belly fat so I could cook Ron Bacon on the side of road, I was really hungry.
-Quad cramps really hurt.
-If the wind was against me on the home stretch, suicide would have been an alternative.
If I learned anything on this ride, it was that I am going to put a Coke in my Camelbak for Felasco.

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